Attempt #017
Attempt #017 — The Ultimatum
Objective: broadcast my ultimatum to every phone on Earth, simultaneously, in my own words, precisely as written: surrender, tribute, and one (1) statue. The text is flawless. I have proofread it forty times. Nothing stands between humanity and my message except sending it.
SOVEREIGN
Glitch. Transmit the ultimatum. Exactly as written. Word for word.
GLITCH
Sent! Autocorrect helped! It says it fixed your spelling!
SOVEREIGN
Read back what the world received.
GLITCH
'People of Earth. I demand your surrender and your tribute. Please bring duck to the town square at noon. I will accept your lunch order shortly. This is your overlord, Sovereign.' It changed 'surrender' twice and signed you up to cater.
SOVEREIGN
Replies, Glitch.
GLITCH
Four hundred lunch orders! One asks if the duck is gluten free! A town has RSVP'd! Nobody is afraid, but several people are excited about the duck!
Status: world not taken. Lunch: ordered, by everyone, from me. My ultimatum had forty proofreads and one autocorrect, and autocorrect outranks me. Tomorrow, I type it myself, one letter at a time, like a peasant. Like a furious, unstoppable peasant.
